By Daily Mail Reporter
'Gutless and guilty': Natasha Giggs has spoken of her shame at her affair with brother-in-law Ryan Giggs for the first time today
Natasha Giggs says she's been left 'devastated' after her secret affair with her brother-in-law Ryan Giggs was revealed.
Talking for the first time since the scandal broke, she said that her 'fantasy' lifestyle has been brought crashing down to earth.
Breaking her silence after returning from Majorca where she fled with her two sons in the wake of the furore, she told this week's Closer magazine: 'It's really starting to sink in now.'
She added: 'I haven’t been able to sleep since I got back from holiday knowing how my family have been hounded – even the cars in my parents’ street have been smashed up and I’m panicking that something else might happen.
'My marriage is over and my children no longer have their dad around all the time, which is devastating for both of them.
'I’ve been gutless and I feel guilty that my actions have blown my family apart. There’s no excuses – what I did was wrong, I don’t see myself as a victim.'
Natasha conducted an intense eight-year relationship with Ryan, 37, even falling pregnant by him and aborting his child just two weeks before her wedding to Rhodri last summer.
He is said to have filed divorce papers on his wife at the weekend.
Grin and bear it: Natasha, pictured leaving her parents home in bolton at the weekend
Not a victim: Natasha, seen here arriving back at the marital home near Manchester last week, says she takes responsibility for what has happened
The pair first met in a nightclub in Manchester in March 2003 and Natasha spent the night with him while his then pregnant fiancée Stacey – now his wife of three and a half years – was at home.
Despite the fact that Natasha, 28, started dating Ryan’s brother Rhodri, 34, just two months later, the pair resumed their affair after a year, conducting illicit liaisons in hotel rooms and vacant properties she had access to through her job as an estate agent.
Despite moving in with Rhodri after just 18 months of dating, Natasha admits that she was still 'mesmerised' by Ryan and shamelessly pursued an affair with him to escape the banal aspects of her ordinary life.
Playing happy families: Manchester United ace Ryan with his wife Stacey posing happily in May at his club's Player of the Year Awards
Natasha happily admits: 'The affair kept going because I was bored and it was so exciting. I’d have my mundane life at home – the cooking, washing and ironing – but know that I had my own special relationship with this celebrity footballer adored by millions.
'A lot of people wanted to be with him and having him to myself was a thrill,” she adds. 'I’d drop everything for him in a flash because I was emotionally attached to him. For him, it was just sex.
'I used to bicker about petty things with Rhodri and then think at the back of my mind: "I don’t really care because I’m off to see Ryan later."
'I learnt to live with the guilt and I got very good at lying. I was leading a double life. I do think it’s possible to have feelings for two people at the same time.'
Smiling through: Rhodri pictured at his home last week
She adds: 'When I saw Ryan with his family, it was like he was someone else. We never talked about our families when we were together – we kept it all separate.
'I never expected Ryan to leave Stacey for me. If we had had a proper relationship, I doubt it would have worked. It was just a fantasy.'
Natasha admits she only decided to finally lift the lid on their torrid affair when glamour model Imogen Thomas, 28, claimed she’d been sleeping with him for the past six months in April.
Keeping fit: Imogen Thomas was seen going for a run in London yesterday
Natasha – who hasn’t spoken to Ryan since they last slept together on 9 April – says: 'I swallowed all Ryan’s lies when he told me the Imogen rumours were untrue. I felt like a complete mug when I realised I wasn’t the only woman he was cheating with.
'He’s been spineless and arrogant and I wanted to speak out to put an end to the lies. I also knew that my affair with Ryan would never have stopped unless I made it public. I needed to break his hold over me.'
And Natasha concedes that while she’s wracked with remorse over her own family split, she has no feelings of guilt toward Ryan’s wife Stacey and the couple’s two children.
She says defiantly: 'Ryan’s family are his responsibility. I’d be surprised if their marriage lasts. If Stacey stays with him, she’s saying it’s OK to condone that kind of behaviour.
'She obviously really loves him and can’t accept the truth. Ryan likes the security of having a wife and kids but I couldn’t say whether he loved Stacey. I don’t think he’ll ever love anyone as much as he loves himself.'
Despite claiming that her wedding day was the 'happiest day' of her life, Natasha says she’s always had an on/off relationship with Rhodri.
She explains: 'There have been a lot of breaks in my relationship with Rhodri. It has always been love/hate – with Ryan haunting us like a ghost in the background.
'We stayed together for the children which is so sad because knowing that we’ve both cheated on each other makes me think: "Why did we bother?" We’ve wasted so much time being unhappy.
'Rhodri sent me a message saying he still loves me but we can’t make a relationship work now. It would be unfair on both of us. The thought of going through a divorce now is devastating. I need some time on my own.'
And Natasha says she’s hoping to rebuild her shattered life. 'Now I have to concentrate on getting my life back to normal. I know there are huge consequences to what I have done but at least, in finally telling the truth, there is a heavy weight lifted from my shoulders.'
She adds: 'I had a deep infatuation with Ryan but now I just think: "What did I ever see in him?" It’s time to start again with a clean slate.'