Stigma: Many single people such as the classic character Bridget Jones (played by Renee Zellweger) feel embarrassed by their status'The overriding feeling is shame,' he says. 'A feeling of what's wrong with me?
'There's no stigma attached to being single in your 20s, but once you hit 30, 40 or later in life, negative thought patterns emerge: "I'll be on my own for ever, I'm rubbish at relationships." '
These feelings ring true with me. At 36, with a five-year-old son - I have been single (save for a three-year, sporadic relationship with my best male friend, which resulted in our son, Fergus, and a four-month relationship last summer) for a decade.
In my late 20s, I was content being solo, but lately I've begun to feel progressively panic-stricken about the prospect of the future alone.
Single? The chances are you feel like you exist in a world of loved-up couples. They are everywhere: on the beach, in the park, in the supermarket.
Of course, this is just an illusion - the latest information from the Office for National Statistics shows single people make up 31 per cent of all households, and, it's predicted that - very soon - this will rise to 40 per cent.
So why do so many single people (myself included) feel embarrassed by their status?
This is something that Andrew G. Marshall, Relate counsellor and author of The Single Trap: A Two-Step Guide To Escaping It And Finding Lasting Love, hears in his practice every day.
Ringing true: The idea of meeting 'The One' and running off into the sunset is one fed to us in novels but it's not real lifeSIX WAYS TO TURN YOUR LIFE AROUND
1. Understand your legacy from your parents
Understanding our emotional inheritance is the most important factor in finding love. Our parents' relationship - how they communicate, make up after a row - sets the blueprint for our own. Equally, our relationship with each parent determines our choice of partner: the daughter of an elusive father may feel like nobody will truly love them. Take time to understand the dynamics, so you can solve the problem at its root rather than take it out on your partner.
2. Understand your dating patterns and challenge your thinking
Make your own relationship tree: are there any patterns? Do you swing between unavailable and overly nice men? Do you always date 'bad boys'? Whatever it is, try something else because this is clearly not working. Understand 'like attracts like'. If we are in a bad place emotionally, we tend to attract other people whose lives are also in crisis.
3. Make certain your last relationship is truly over
If you do not have a clean ending to your past relationship and take time out to mourn it properly, then you run the risk of repeating the same old mistakes in your next relationship. Are the following stopping you ending the relationship properly: not wanting to hurt the other person, trying to be friends too soon, obsessing about them or wanting revenge? To learn to recover and move on properly, we need to go through a grieving process and have a clean break. Leave it at least six months before trying to be friends.
4. Change the way you look for love
Tthere are two main types of daters. Under-daters - people who have had maybe three partners and left it to fate, only to find that fate isn't helping; and over-daters, those who date incessantly and never give themselves time to learn from their past relationships. If you're an under-dater, you need to take control: go out and flirt, join groups, ask sociable friends to introduce you to other people - you are not going to find a boyfriend in your living room. Over-daters need to take time to understand their past and see where they're going wrong. Examine what you're looking for. Which points could you compromise on? Are you dismissing people due to unfounded prejudices?
5. Suspend judgment at the beginning of a relationship
It's natural to want to make a swift judgment on your compatibility, but it's important not to analyse too much and let the experience brew. Remember when you saw a great TV programme or saw a great film? the memories keep surfacing and this is what happens with dating: that 'glow' is a good way of sorting the merely pleasant from the life-changing. Sleep on your thoughts after a date rather than making an instinctive decision. attraction takes a little longer than 30 seconds - it is based on similarity and time spent together, so let things develop. there's nothing wrong with falling in love slowly.
6. Scrutinise properly at three months
The moment of truth needs to come some time and three months is an important milestone. so how does your relationship measure up? have you both stopped accepting dates from other people? Can you openly label each other as boyfriend and girlfriend? Does conversation flow? Can you relax in each others' presence? Who is putting the most energy into developing the relationship? Who calls? Who suggests outings? sometimes, it's better to let a relationship fold than put in endless, futile energy.
source: dailymail
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